Things That Make You Go Eeee
by Everywhere Yet Nowhere
Summary: .:One shot, pure crack:. Itachi craving steak? Itachi knitting booties? Kisame the midwife? Dude, what's going on here? Itachi... up the duff? Dude! Who's the father... mother... thing?


**Things That Make You go Eeee**

Disclaimer: I own it all. Please sue me. It would make my existence very exciting.

A/N and warning: Right-o, this is Uchihacest. I am not a big fan of incest... or mpreg for that matter, however, I felt the need to write an Itachi and Sasuke crack fic. I love those brothers... pahahaha! Warning: this'll get weird, and there'll be yaoi, incest, mpregnant Itachi and Kisame as a midwife. Joy. x3

No flames, this isn't serious. And don't say I didn't warn you.

XxXxXxX

Uchiha Itachi felt funny. Very funny indeed.

His stomach ached, his head swum, and his thoughts were swaying from whatever it was that Itachi usually thought about... to thoughts of steak.

_I really want steak. A nice big juicy, tasty, dripping, medium-rare steak._

His mouth watered just thinking about it.

_Steak._

_Steeeeeeaaaak._

"Kisame... I need, steak. Steak. Steak right now."

"Chill out dude, we don't have steak this far south."

"But, But... I want one. I crave one. I crave it like I CRAVED THE MURDERING GLEEFULNESS OF STABBING MY CLAN TO DEA-"

"Too far south, dude."

"But, a rare steak... dripping with blood... LIKE DRIPPING AFTER I STABBED MY CLAN TO DEA-"

"Do I need to repeat myself? Chill, man. I didn't know you got cravings dude... you sound like a chick. Heh. But then again, chicks have racks. Unless there's something you want to tell me, dude?"

"Did you just make references to me as a woman!"

"Like, totally! Wait."

Looking out over the forest below the rock they were standing on, Itachi's chewy... dripping... succulent... steak-addled mind wandered to thoughts of his last secret rendezvous with his foolish little brother.

First with the fighting... and then with the passionate whispers... and the nibbling... the kissing... and then the wrestling... then the "OH GOD YESSSSS!" Then his little brother sleeping it off wrapped in Itachi's Akatsuki robe, which was about six times too big for him...

_Hmm._

How Itachi managed to remain expressionless while thinking all of this was a miracle in itself.

"Dude... should we move on?" Kisame asked, grinning in his oh-so-very-sharklike fashion.

Itachi thought of how he would tell Kisame that he still needed to rest without sounding weak. "Tomorrow, we move on. I still have not recovered my strength."

"Sweet as, dude."

Kisame knelt down, and then started doing whatever it is Kisame did when he knelt down.

Itachi meanwhile started feeling that terrible feeling that you get just before you lose all the contents of your stomach. His mouth was producing too much saliva, and he was getting shivery.

So, unable to fight the urge, or hold it in. Itachi, stood up neatly, ran over to a handy nearby bush, and vomited.

And vomited.

And vomited some more.

Yet still, the only thing on the Uchiha's mind, was steak.

_Tender... juicy... premium... rump... steak. Steak. A huge meaty slab of steak._

Itachi vomited even more.

Kisame looked over in keen interest... and then, as though it had always been this way, he was wearing a white lab coat. And prodding Itachi with a cold, cold stethoscope.

"You feel feverish, and you're experiencing nausea, dude."

"Leave me, Kisame."

"You are experiencing cravings, and are more tired than usual."

"No," Itachi lied.

"Have you eaten any shellfish lately, dude?"

"NO!" Itachi retched and then puked up some more... by the looks of the vomit... he'd been eating peas, corn and carrots... and spaghetti-o's.

"And how active have you been sexually, dude?" Kisame got out a checklist and a pen and acquired a dreadfully serious expression.

"Are you even asking me this!" Itachi straightened up, ignored the lovely burning feeling in his mouth... and overlooked the fact that he had carrot bits in his hair. "What are you? A doctor?"

"Actually as of now dude, I'm a midwife!" Kisame glomped Itachi. "Congratulations dude! Far out this is totally awesome!"

Itachi was bewildered. "Huh?"

"Can't you hear the pitter-patter of little feet, man?"

"What?"

"You've got a bun in the oven, dude."

"Come again?"

"You're like totally, up the duff."

"I'm not following..."

"Like, gnarly. You'll be eating for two now!"

"Why's that?"

"In nine months, the stalk will be here... carrying your little bundle of joy!"

"Bundle of what!" Itachi was beginning to get irritated.

So, it seemed, was Kisame. "Come on dude... you know, knocked up!"

"I'll knock you OUT in a second... what are you on about? And while you're explaining, get me a steak."

"Look dude, you're preggers! And no steak, too far south."

"GIVE ME STEAK! And... preg...gers?"

"You're having a baby! Wicked dude!"

"I'm... what?"

"Dude, you're meant to be a genius... do I have to explain it in posh language for you to understand?" Kisame sighed, and then put on a false English accent. "I do say Gov'ner, you're obviously with child, wot wot. I say. Now in my humble opinion, we should fetch you a nice cup of tea."

Uchiha Itachi fainted.

When he woke up, it was night. The stars were out and the moon was full and daunting.

"How long have I been out?" He asked Kisame, who was standing next to him, still in his ridiculous lab coat.

"Not long dude... only eight months."

"Oh okay... wait, eight months! _Eight months_!"

_I still want steak. Steeeeeeeaaaak..._

Itachi got up and straightened his robe. "Kisame, do me a favour."

"Not with the steak again, dude, too far south."

"No, fetch my foolish little brother. I believe he is at Orochimaru's place. I need to speak with him."

"What will you do dude?"

"I'll... stay here."

Kisame picked up his enormous blade and slung it over his shoulder.

Itachi looked at the retreating back of his fishy comrade then said, "And while you're at it can you get me some steak!"

XxXxXxX

Kisame rolled up to Orochimaru's crib, singing Moulin Rouge songs to himself in a voice that reminded all who heard it of puppies being killed with blackboards that have nails being scratched down them.

He walked through the doors, and waved to Orochimaru and Kabuto.

"Hey 'Rochi, hey 'Buto... dudes, here for Sasuke man, Itachi's up the duff."

"Sweet dude," Kabuto replied.

"Totally."

"It's not mine is it, sweeeetie?" Orochimaru looked slightly worried. But with his frilly apron and corkscrew curls he looked more like a granny, than anything else.

"Nah, dude. Itachi won't tell me who it is... he's been pretty tired... but from the wild cries in his sleep I'd say it was our wee dude here."

He pointed to a corner... which appeared to have angst-lines.

Uchiha Sasuke was sitting in a corner, thinking about how cruel the world was... and how his brother had killed his clan... and revenge... and how he couldn't kill Naruto... and how he still wasn't strong... and how his hair just couldn't attain that healthy volume and vitality that Sakura's always harnessed.

"Oi, Sasuke little dude."

Sasuke turned around.

"What do _you _want?"

"Not me, Itachi dude, he wants to see you dude."

_Great, _thought the young and fool-hardy Uchiha... _finally a chance for revenge... how dare he sleep around and not return my phonecalls!_

Sasuke stood up.

"Orochimaru, I'm going out."

"Be back in time for tea darliiiiing... and make sure to be careful with that pretty body of mine... I mean yours..." he giggled, and then blew a kiss to Sasuke. "Mwah!"

XxXxXxX

When Kisame and Sasuke returned to the rock that had been home to Itachi for the last eight months, they were greeted with the most peculiar sight.

Itachi... with a pair of knitting needles... humming to himself... and making what appeared to be a pair of black and red baby booties.

For his younger brother that in itself was enough to scare the hell out of him, but the fact that Itachi was fat... pregnant fat... was a little too much.

There was only one thing Sasuke could say...

"You killed my clan."

Itachi sighed, but continued to knit.

"That again?"

"You killed my clan."

"Well guess what genius? I killed my clan too!"

"YOU KILLED MY CLAN!"

"Damn right I did, and I had fun doing it... WITH THE STABBING, AND THE BLEEDING, AND THE CLOTTING... you're just lucky you were so darn cute I couldn't bring myself to kill you."

"I RESENT THAT."

"You are weak."

Sasuke made a noise that could only be described as a growl... then his mind caught up with him.

"WOAHWOAHWOAH... waitjustacottonpickingminute... you're... pregnant! BUT... that's not... possible... you're. WHAT? PAHAHAHA... pregnant! I always knew you were a little feminine. But this... PAHAHAHAHA."

"Feminine... why I oughta..." It was Itachi's turn to growl. He held knitting needles in what he must've thought was a menacing way. "Foolish little brother... guess who the father is!"

"Kisame?"

Both looked at Kisame, slumbering peacefully by a small fire he made.

Itachi glowered. "No."

Suddenly, Naruto appeared...

"Me dattebayo?"

Now Itachi was insulted. "No!" He'd only slept with Naruto _once_... and that was ages ago.

"Then who?"

"YOU, IDIOT!"

"ME?" Sasuke yelled in disbelief. "ME...! But... but... I'm uke." He pointed at Itachi's swollen belly. "GET IN MAH BELLEH!" he yelled at the lump.

"Miiiiine!" Itachi began to knit again. "Apparently not... I'm uke."

"You're seme!"

"Uke."

"Seme!"

"Uke!"

"Seme!"

"Nene..." said Naruto grinning at the pair. "Can I be godfather?"

Sasuke scowled. "No, I would never entrust you with a child, dobe. You can't even take care of yourself."

Itachi however smiled in the new motherly way he'd acquired... it was rather scary actually. "Sure you can, Naruto-kun."

Kakashi and the rest of the Akatsuki members waiting patiently in line to be godfather said, "Awwww." And walked off disappointed.

Sasuke was mad. "Overrule my judgement will you!"

"Shut-up foolish little brother... and will someone please... GET ME A STEAK!"

"Steak?"

"Steak dattebayo?"

Then, Sakura turned up with a steak, just because she could. After which she started eating it slowly and carefully making over-exaggerated enjoyment noises and looking Itachi squarely in the eyes.

Itachi used Tsukiyomi on her and made her watch him eat Sasuke whilst acting out the entirety of the movie Titanic for the next 1000 years.

When she woke up, she died.

_My beautiful steak..._

Suddenly... Itachi felt pain, terrible, terrible pain in his stomach. He doubled over and shrieked.

Kisame was immediately up, and he announced gravely... "He's in labour."

Then they disappeared.

(One hour of high pitched womanly screams, squelching noises and charades later)

Kisame and Itachi reappeared, both looking absolutely pristine... and lucky Itachi only had to go through one hour of labour.

He cradled a little bundle wrapped in a mini-Akatsuki robe cooing and tickling.

"How in the hell does that work Kisame?" Sasuke asked, surprised... "Guys kinda don't have you know... wombs... or other things like that."

"Magic of fanfiction dude."

"What the hell is fanfiction dattebayo?" Naruto ran over to Itachi and the baby and started cooing as well.

"I dunno," Kisame replied.

"HE'S SO CUTE DATTEBAYO!"

Itachi smiled. "It's a she."

"WHAT?" Sasuke was scandalized. "How the _hell_ does that work!"

Kisame replied for him, "Again, it's the magic of fanfiction, dude."

"What in the hell is fanfiction?"

Kisame hung his head. "I really don't know."

Itachi looked at Sasuke... "Does daddy want to hold his daughter?"

Sasuke scowled more deeply by the second and folded his arms. "_Daddy _doesn't want to do anything."

There was a small squeak from within Itachi arms.

Itachi... actually giggled. "I think someone wants to see you."

Sasuke reluctantly had a bundle dropped into his arms, and he was greeted with the small pudgy face of a little girl with black hair and white skin, with little cheekbones and black eyes. Which surely would hold a Sharingan in times to come.

"The newest Uchiha," Sasuke said softly. He then stared at Itachi evilly. "No killing."

"Cross my heart."

"Now, she needs a name."

Naruto jumped up and down. "Ooh, ooh, can I name her, can I name her 'tebayo!"

"What's your idea?"

"Umm, umm... Naruto Junior!"

Rolling his eyes Sasuke continued to look at his little love-child. "That's the worst name I've ever heard."

Kisame walked over to the small baby, and smiled... which made her cry.

"I shall call the little dudette... Sakana."

"Works for me," Itachi said, painting his toenails. "Foolish little brother?"

"I'm good."

Kisame smiled more, Naruto sat in the corner angsting, Itachi chose the colour for his fingernails and gnawed on a steak that he found, Sasuke cooed at his daughter, Sakura was dead and the little baby Uchiha Sakana graduated Ninja academy at two days old, mastered the use of her Sharingan at five days old, became a ANBU leader at the age of one-and-a-half weeks and Kisame became Hokage... dude. Naruto was obsolete. After which Sakana killed her beloved Uncle Kisame and became Hokage at the age of six. Then destroyed Konoha at the age of six-and-a-half.

And that's how it happened.

I mean it.

It's really true.

I kid you not.

I'm not lying.

Those were the sequence of events.

Don't look at me like that.

I speak only the truth.

And it's true.

It makes you go eeee.

Ignore what happens in the actual anime... I know better.

This is how it all panned out.

Really.

Honest.

That's the gospel truuuuuth.

Truly.

Dude.

XxXxXxX

A/N: Okay... that was absolutely 100 percent insane. Beyond my normal levels of insane... oh god. It's like a Tsukiyomi gone terribly terribly wrong.

I wish to thank my crazy betas/co-authors... you know who you are.

Also, all content in this that _actually _follows plot is off the anime, I plan to, but have not yet read the manga.


End file.
